Connection

Finding your key to emotional health

Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash

I’m an “I can do it myself” kinda person. Not your classic introvert, but a self-sufficient planner who withdraws to problem-solve alone when the going gets rough.

Is it because I was raised by take-charge women? Sure. Or because I endured two deployments as a military spouse in very young adulthood? Part of it. Oh, and being a first child type-A people pleaser probably has something to do with it, too.

This independence has served me well for most of my life, as most coping mechanisms usually do.

Until they don’t.

The traumatic birth of my now almost-7-year-old daughter, Emily,¹ proved to be the tipping point that turned these coping mechanisms from a super-power into self-sabotage. The blur of those early years makes it hard to recall much more than feeding tubes, seizures, doctors’ appointments, and more hospital stays than I can remember.

I pulled myself together hours after Emily was born to prove that I was well enough to be discharged so I could be with her at a different hospital. Forget that I had just delivered a baby and had gone through the most traumatic experience of my life. I can do it.

I kept up with this front for years. Juggling full-time caregiving, parenting, and working. When the pandemic hit, I couldn’t relate to everyone’s sense of isolation. I was already a seasoned practitioner.

Still, I couldn’t understand why everyone thought I had my s*** together — I was craving empathy, attention, pity, anything. I can do it myself, I said.

Until I couldn’t.

My isolated grief made its presence known as deep depression that morphed into out-of-control anxiety. Ultimately, debilitating OCD was the forcing function for me to stop, feel, and accept help.

Through this experience, I was shown how essential connection is for health & wellness, no matter where the ride life has taken you.

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I write the rest of this piece not as a subject matter expert but, instead, as a student. Please join me…

Emotional health, at least how I have come to understand it, is the ability to experience, acknowledge, and express a wide range of emotions with compassion for yourself and others.

All emotions are welcome, even the hard ones. They provide important information. Anxiety, fear, and anger were all once vital for survival, and discounting them now is like turning your back on a loyal bodyguard. The trick for handling these emotions today is to decode their messages:

• Dread? I committed to something I shouldn’t have because I didn’t want to disappoint.

• Overwhelm? I need a break — a long one. And I need to speak up sooner next time.

• Resentment? It isn’t really about them. I just want what they have — a slow morning in bed, a trip by myself, sometimes spending frivolously? Yes, yes, yes.

Connection is key to emotional health. As Brené Brown so brilliantly defines in Atlas of the Heart, connection is being seen, heard, and valued without judgment. And while she adds “between individuals,” my unprofessional opinion is that connection must start with yourself.

Why? We are our own worst critics. Guilt, shame, self-deprecation. They’re all things that distract us from being able to connect with others.

How can you see, hear, and value yourself without judgment? As “woo-woo” as it sounds, listening to your gut feelings is a powerful ally for self-connection — those emotions, instincts, and initial reactions have a lot to tell you (see bullet points, above).

And when you start to hear and value those messages, do so with compassion, knowing that we are all imperfect and deserving of kindness and patience. A tall order, I know, especially when the “shoulds” have been piling up for a lifetime. So, start slow, and have compassion for when you aren’t compassionate. Emotional health, here we come.

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Ever since my now-teenage daughter was able to read, we would occasionally choose a book to read aloud around the table after dinner. A couple of years ago, we attempted to read The Courage to be Disliked, though this time, I ended up finishing it by myself and giving an oral book report to the family. The author’s definition of happiness has stuck with me:

Accept yourself as you are (self connection & compassion, ok) and find ways to positively contribute to others (back to connection with others).

Connection with others is so important for lifelong health and wellness because belonging is a fundamental human need for survival. Not only did we evolve to depend on one another for physical safety and security, but emotional safety and security seem to be just as important.

While we have never technically been more connected than we are today, the lack of authentic connection has led to an epidemic of loneliness and isolation.² Technology and social media are easy to blame, yet a culture of intolerance, inauthenticity, and negativity seems to exist on and off the screen.

To truly connect with others, you first have to connect with and accept your imperfect self, and then find the people who accept your imperfections as well.

Letting people see the true you can be scary. It goes against every instinct to protect yourself. Lots of tears have been shed as I continue to learn how to be an authentic partner friend. But it is worth it.

Receiving vulnerability is equally as hard. It is much easier to give advice, control, fix, or ignore. I am guilty of all of the above and am actively working on:

• Listening with curiosity: not just waiting for my turn to speak

• Validating: showing that I am listening and welcome all the feelings

• Empathizing: sitting in the mud with others without “at least-ing” or advising

Most of these practices make me squirm. Yet I stick with them because I know that when I am on the receiving end of true listening, validation, and empathy, it makes me feel seen, understood, and worthy of feeling.

This is what connection with others is all about. It isn’t about how many people you know or how often you see them. Instead, it’s about how you feel during and after the interaction that matters most. Did you feel heard? Valued? Accepted? That’s gold right there.

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So that’s where I am. I’m finding my belonging by pushing through the discomfort of authentic vulnerability. Letting people see the messy, confusing me. And letting them love and support me even when I think I can do it myself. You know who you are. Thank you :)

~Allison

This information is for educational purposes only. Please consult with your medical provider to individualize based on your unique and changing needs. I am grateful to the wonderful works of Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle, Terry Real, and Stan Tatkin from which I have learned so much about connection - check them out!

1. My husband Lyle wrote about our daughter’s traumatic entry into the world here

2. Not being dramatic - HHS 2022 report here